I had been wrestling with some heavy anxiety that I would be traveling to/from the Philippines whenever Mom went into hospice, fearing that she would pass away while I couldn't get to her. I prayed often that God would be gracious and tender with that worry, knowing it was completely out of my control. When I look back to the last blog post in May, if we had ended up being placed with the little girl we were hopeful about, we very certainly would have been in the travel process during Mom's last days or shortly thereafter. I can praise God that he handle that concern in with his wisdom and sovereignty. He knew the timing of this season, and he knows the perfect timing of when we will finally go.
Definitely there is sadness that our future children will never meet their Nana, that I won't have her encouragement and guidance during what will undoubtedly be the hardest, most confusing season for my little family. But in that loss there is a strange gift that I cling to. I now know the loss of my Mother, the bizarre feeling of being untethered and alien to this life without the presence of the one who brought me into it. I know it's a different loss than that our future adopted children have experienced, but I will take this gift of grief as a unique starting place for empathy and compassion when entering into their profound loss. I can choose to use it or sink in it, and I pray to be wise in its presence.
After Mom died, Justin and I received several unexpected, generous adoption donations in honor of her. We also found out that we were awarded a $4,000(!!!) grant from Show Hope, an organization started by Steven Curtis Chapman. During a time when it's been hard for me to brain storm fundraising ideas or even try to think of next steps in this process, God has provided in exceedingly abundant measures. I've found the following to be true in details I never would have anticipated...
"If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there;
if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath."
Psalm 34:18 (The Message)
The practical aspect of funding our adoption was a concern for Justin and I when we first started talking about adoption several years ago, even before Willow and Boone were born. How does one actually go about raising the astronomical fees associated with international adoption? Justin is a planner, a spread sheet guy who likes tidy columns and things connecting from point A to B. I love and respect that about him because I am not any of those things. I have had fear and anxiety about money my whole life. I hate handling it, spending it, making it, talking about it, it all makes me feel uncomfortable and icky. To say that it is a miracle that we entered into international adoption as a one income military family without an "adoption financial plan" is appropriate. During this entire 2 year process, I have not once had any anxiety or questions of how we will fund this thing. That is not me being relaxed and chill, that is God being awesome and gracious. God called us to adopt and so we walk forward in obedience, trusting he will be faithful to what he has called us to do. Why would he not? We've sold t-shirts, done yard sales, art auctions, and various small fund raising steps. We've trimmed our budget and people have been extravagantly generous. But mostly we've been blessed and humbled by God's surprise provisions. I challenge those who are on the fence of international adoption, who are using finances as a hesitation, don't limit God to dollars and cents. The God who holds the universe together is not intimidated by our money fears.
On that note, ba-dum-bum, during this fast approaching holiday season, if you're a savvy online amazon shopper, you can help support our adoption fund simply by clicking through our blog. You have no fee, but we get a percentage contributed to our adoption account as an amazon affiliate. You simply click the amazon.com logo on the box at the top right corner of the blog and get to shopping.
BAM! Easy-peasy, piece of cake, shopping done, money raised, and you are altogether awesome folk!
Thank you for waiting, bearing with, praying for, loving and supporting us over these long couple of years. Any day we could get the call, and you all can jump up and down, laugh, scream and cry with us as dear supporters of this journey!
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