The worth of the Wait

It has been an emotional week. I'll rewind to the beginning, back to May 13th, when we received an email from our adoption agency (CAN). They informed us about a 2 year old little girl on the Waiting Child list that may be of interest to us. Based on a brief description, we quickly requested to see her entire file, which included all of her history and medical information to-date as well as some precious photos. After reading her file, we instantly felt excited and hopeful and took the standard next step to have her file reviewed by an adoption medical specialist so we could be as aware as possible to what her special needs care might entail.

We submitted her information to a specialist on Thursday, which meant we likely wouldn't be able to get any feedback until Monday. During that wait, we prayed for this little one, for her future, for her family, whether it be us or someone else, ultimately for God's best for her. Our wait for a phone consult on Monday bled into Tuesday, when I was finally able to speak with the Doctor who was reviewing her file. She gave us an enthusiastic "YAY!" and felt this little girl would be a wonderful fit for our family, and encouraged us to pursue being matched with her. She was, in our hearts and minds, perfect for us, and us for her, and we were cautiously elated.

For the Philippine's Waiting Child list, families are able to view the file of a child their agency feels may be of interest to them, and then submit a parent profile request that is considered by the Filipino adoption board (ICAB). This is a totally different process than that for a "healthy" child referral. ICAB then takes all the family profile requests submitted for the child, deliberates for about 3-4 MONTHS, then chooses the family they think will best meet the child's needs.

We felt very confident and had no reservations about submitting a request for matching, while knowing that we were not guaranteed to be chosen, and that we would have to endure a 3 month wait to learn the decision. We shared this news with family and a handful of friends, waiting to submit our official request before making this step public.

Wednesday the 20th, a week after seeing her sweet face, we were driving home from NC to DC and I was passing the hours in the car by mentally crafting the perfect family profile request letter in my head to convince ICAB that we were the best match for her. My phone rang, and it was a call from our agency that left me feeling very confused and stunned. She informed us that ICAB had already chosen a family for the little girl, even before receiving all the family profiles from other agencies. This was highly uncharacteristic of them and she had never known them to operate this way before. I hung up, and tears exploded as it sank in that this precious 2 year old that I had allowed myself to dream about was not going to be our daughter. In the first 30 seconds, I felt myself spiraling from confusion to anger to questions. "What if I had gotten the files to the Doctor the day before? What if she hadn't taken the extra day and had given us an answer on Monday"? "What if I hadn't delayed submitting our request for matching because of our trip and had been able to get it in the night before"? "Would they have seen our profile and considered us?" "What if, what if, what if???" I shook my head hard, stopping the "what ifs" from becoming a torrent of irrational thoughts.

Speak the truth to me, I prayed. The truth flooded like a refreshing shower, quickly extinguishing the self-pity and distorted questions that were fighting to take root. The truth is we were privileged to specifically pray for this precious girl, we were able to share about her with family and friends, and ask for her, and us, and this whole tangled process to be covered in prayer. The truth is we prayed, our dear ones prayed, and God mercifully answered quickly. We don't have to endure 3 months of waiting before finding out we are not chosen, and we were prevented from paying the large fee required to submit the request. The beautiful truth is this little one's adoption process will move much faster without those 3 months of wading through profiles tacked onto the beginning, and we truly rejoice for that waiting family who got their YES phone call! What a joy and humble honor to be able to participate in her story in this small way, by coming before the throne our Heavenly Father and speaking her name. His answer wasn't what I was necessarily hoping for, but I trust it is His best, and it is good for her and for us. My initial, gut reaction to the news was one of loss and frustration, but as I felt the sorrow, I tasted the joy that always follows. 

The truth is, I can endure the waiting if it means God draws me near and whispers His promises to my heart time and again. Waiting is difficult, but it can also be a sweet spot. It allows for a delicate view of shifts and ripples and full-circle stories swirling all around us. But we have to be still, and observe with hearts wide open during the wait, not permitting the "what ifs" to trample over the beauty that promises to bloom.